Reading Ken Sande's The Peacemaker prompted some thoughts about what is included in an authentic apology that can result in reconciliation. What is an apology?
An Apology is Sincere
If I really am concerned about reconciliation, not just saving face, my apology has to be earnest. It has to be prompted by conviction that I am actually in the wrong.
An Apology is Personal
It addresses the offended party. If I want to affect reconciliation with someone I have offended, the motivation must be apparent that I care for them personally. My apology must be directed to the offended party. If the circle is wider than that, it should still be directed to those who have been affected in a way that lets them know my concern is for our relationship to be restored.
An Apology Won’t Contain an “If”
There is no place for sayings like, "If I offended you, I am sorry." Either an offense has occurred, or it hasn't. If it has admit it, otherwise you are not really apologizing. What you say is VERY IMPORTANT. Your words should be well thought out and well-stated. Words have meaning! They will achieve the right goal only if they convey the right message.
An Apology Accepts Responsibility
An apology has only occurred if I stop blaming other factors on my failure. There may have been other factors, but who cares? My response in this situation is the real issue. An apology isn't saying, "I'm sorry I did wrong, but there were mitigating circumstances." It is owning my part in a relationship failure.
An Apology is Specific, not Vague or Generalized
An apology states the problem plainly. It doesn't hedge to protect the speaker. It is a confession of wrong-doing. The wrong-doing should be plainly stated. Is that humbling? Of course it is. That is the point. My failure has humbled me. "I want to be reconciled to you. I know that we were alienated from each other when I _________."
An Apology Asks for Forgiveness
It is more than just a statement of fault. It also asks the offended person for forgiveness. "I know that I offended you when I ____, will you please forgive me?" This is important because it helps brings closure to the situation. It means that you have been heard and that the other person has the opportunity to respond, clarify and move forward.
An Apology Patiently Waits
The reality is that sometimes when an apology is needed, it is because a deep affront has happened. It may take time for the person to process what has been said and respond appropriately. As the offender, you must afford them that space. As a follower of Jesus, if a person is sincerely attempting to be reconciled with me after an offense, I do not have the right to refuse. But we should also understand that if a deep offense has taken place, we have no right to demand that the offended person must immediately fall in line. In fact, in that situation it is in order to say, "I know that it may require some time for you to forgive me, but I want you to know that it is very important to me to be reconciled."
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